Sunday, December 28, 2014

If Your Fap Game Is On Fleek, Then You Don’t Need Me.

 Twitter is better than cable at times and when I say at times I mean most of the damn time. Yesterday between stops, I was on twitter seeing what “fake rich twitter” was lying about. “Fake rich twitter” is the group of folks that like to slander anything you Twitpic or tweet about that their jealous of or didn’t think of first. Christmas day they were slandering people over 30 who got gifts…cause apparently if you’re over 30 and get a gift they feel that you still live in your parents’ basement. I would slander folks for getting gifts also if all I had to offer on Christmas was my opinion and eating turkey flavored hot pockets for Christmas dinner. But that’s another story. I ran across “genius twitter” and their thoughts on relationships. “Genius twitter” is the group of millennials under 25 that have life figured out. Think about your younger sibling or cousin when they were a teen and they had life all figured out…well that’s how “genius twitter” tweets read.

  So “genius twitter” decided to talk about how masturbation while in a relationship is considered cheating. A young lady with a lot of followers from “genius twitter” stated along the lines of that when she would get a man he would not have to jack off at all, because she would keep his ball sack empty. Praise white Jesus, for that sentiment…but let’s be real you can’t be there all the damn time or in the mood when your man is in the mood. And what amazed me yesterday was that so many women and men agreed with the young lady. Now I believe for the men agreeing that they wanted some love shown back from shawty, cause you know niggas will do anything for an RT or follow back from a pretty lady on twitter. They will throw their own kids under a speeding bus named slander for a “lol” response. 

 But back to the ladies that agree…is that true? Would you consider your man a cheater if you caught him babysitting some knuckle children with his iPad playing “Booty Talk vol. 237”? I say that it’s perfectly fine for your partner to masturbate, just as long as the masturbation isn’t preferred over the real thing. For example your girl comes to bed completely naked and wants to cuddle…you push her away and take your lap top to the bathroom, light a lavender scented candle, grab a faux silk nut rag, and proceed to turn on “New Jack Whooty vol 69”. That’s when you need to take a step back and realize that you’re addicted to porn or you need to have ya lady step her sex game up. And if it’s the latter there is nothing but joy in sharing with your lady about how you like to be pleased and vice versa.

 It could always be worse…like instead of your partner masturbating, they could go out and seek that orgasm from someone else. Your man or woman could be on craigslist or backpage paying for that nut. And bringing home a dick or vag that’s been coated with molten lava. Or in other words an STD/STI. If your partner is masturbating, don’t look at it like “there’s something wrong me, my partner isn’t attracted to me, etc…” Sometimes you just need to get a quick one off and your partner isn’t around or in the mood. Fellas, if she isn’t comfortable with you squeezing one off, you just gotta send her a vid of the money shot while she’s at work with a caption that says your thinking about her.

  Now if he/she breaks up with you for being a masturbator then well you didn’t take your partner on enough $200 dates, cause you know “twitter logic”.

Follow me on Twitter @OmahaHostage and that’s Omaha Hostage…not Omaha Ho Stage… ( ._.) 

“I’m on twitter, tweeting like it’s just you and me.”


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