Friday, February 14, 2014

Two Faced Kings


                Being a black male in the workforce is very challenging, we always have to wear two faces. One face is the work face aka the plantation face aka “If I wasn’t on the clock I’d fuck you up, I’m doing just enough to not get fired” face. And we have our normal face when we are with family and friends. It grinds my f*ckin’ gears to the point that I am not functional when I think about my two faces. My work face has gotten me promotions and better enslavement opportunities, but it’s so damn fake. I cannot stand being fake and playing a game designed by someone that makes it too difficult for brothas like me to win.

                The work face is stressful, you always have to be on point and a few steps ahead of your coworkers. There’s a lot of planning that goes in to the work face. You have to always be smiling and be a ray of sunshine for people. That way they won’t feel threatened and they know that you’re so thankful for having that bullshit gig. If you don’t smile brotha, you’re going to have a sit down with HR about workplace conduct and threats to fellow coworkers. So stay smiling, brotha.

                The next part of the work face is the ability to laugh at bullshit jokes from coworkers. You know that shit aint funny but you laugh and say, “That’s a good one, Tim.” Again you don’t want your coworkers over at HR whispering, “I think something is wrong with A.B. He doesn’t laugh or joke at all. He’s always serious at work. I think he’s going to erupt and hurt someone.” So your black ass is back sitting down with HR and this time they brought in a specialist to help you cope with your “anger issues”. Not to mention the loss prevention team has every incident logged where you didn’t display your normal house slave character, oops I mean you didn’t act in an ethical manner that supported the company’s strategic initiatives. You should’ve laughed at Tim’s joke, fam.

                The next part of the work face is becoming the token black guy. Use cool phrases from the late 80’s and mid 90’s. And greet them with cliché handshakes that they saw on sports center. “Gimme some skin, my man!” This makes your coworkers feel a lot cooler and gives them a sense of what it’s like to be black. Don’t take offense to them when they greet each other with “Hello, how’s blah blah blah?” and they greet you with, “Yo, (insert some 90’s slang for friend like home skillet or playa) What’s up man?” followed by weird handshake and hug embrace. You gotta go with the flow, joe. Cause if not, your black ass is right back in HR not only with the anger issues specialist/therapist, but they’ve also brought in actors that will teach you tolerance in the work place and your stuck acting out scenarios for the next 3 weekends of some “showing others respect” workshop. Should’ve shucked harder and jived with intensity.

                The last part of the work face is to hinder your star. Brotha they don’t want to hear about your accomplishments unless it’s how many baby mamas you got or if you put rims on the Civic coupe. Don’t threaten them with your outstanding GPA from college, show them your black fraternity dance moves. Make sure you bring that candy cane staff also, to twirl around and do tricks with on your lunch break. If they are speaking about something you know great detail about, shut the fuck up and let them explain it to you like you’ve never heard of it. A series of “wow” “oh, that’s fantastic” “really? Tell me more.” “I didn’t know that.” “that’s amazing” will always suffice. If you don’t do that, then your black ass is right back sitting down with HR signing your resignation papers. Why? Because someone went to the EEOC and the local police and complained about your black panther exploits. They also got wind that you were stealing cleaning supplies to make a deadly concoction of chemicals and kool-aid and serve it during lunch while you were twirling that candy cane staff.

                Oh, I forgot about the fellow negro bashing. That is huge if you want to move up in the workplace and get that .16₵  raise, fam’ron. If you work in a department that has a fellow negro-sapien, that is your competition. Do not work with that brotha or sista, you work against them and make them look bad at all cost.

                All jokes aside being a black male in the corporate white male world is like being in “job interview” mode for 8+hrs a day. I am working towards my freedom. What about you, brotha?

Twitter: @OmahaHostage

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